Apple's New Kotext iPadz

Well it's that time of month again... Apple is announcing yet another new product.

This time, they're partnering with Kotex to bring you Kotext iPadz -- next generation, high-speed, ultra-absorbant, 3G, wi-fi enabled, 60GB, unscented, disposable Maxi-Pads...with wings!

But why another iPad product?

According to Apple CEO Steve Jobs, "While it just felt right to hold the Internet in your hands, it feels even better to squeeeeeze it between your legs!"

Kotext iPadz will combine all of the features of the iPod, iPhone, and iPad into one convenient, super-absorbant, disposable feminine hygeine product.

Simply insert them into your panties, sync via a standard USB connection, and you're on your way! At the end of the day, simply re-sync and discard! You'll enjoy total connectivity and dryness for up to 12 hours!

The all-new "Klitoral Keyboard" promises to make texting a breeze -- especially while driving -- although, according to Jobs, it may take some getting used to, especially for men.

"We're actually working on a cross-platform, vaginal adapter so men can make full use of Kotext iPadz, too." When that happens, Jobs says, "Ko-texting is sure to be the next IN thing!"

Sure to be another favorite feature is the Silent/Vibration mode.

Kotext iPadz will be available in packages of 18 and 36 in two sizes -- 30GB and 60GB. Look for them next summer at supermarkets and drug stores nationwide.

And Howard Stern Said She'll Never Work Again!

It's rumored that Oscar(r) Nominee Gabourey "Gabby" Sidibe has found a home at the UFC! And she's ready to kick some white-boy ass. Can anyone say "Gababooey"??? Watch out Howard, she's coming for you...

It's also rumored that she thought "UFC" stood for "Unlimited Fried Chicken" -- so she's really pissed off right now...

"I CAME HERE TO EAT CHICKEN AND KICK ASS... AND I'M ALL OUT OF CHICKEN."

Behold the Magic Turd...

Click here to visit MagicTurd.com!

Remember the Magic 8-Ball? Ask it a question, shake it up and it magically "answers" your question with one of twenty answers...  I had one when I was ten -- took it a part to see how it worked. There was this cool little 20-sided die inside -- like one from Dungeons & Dragons or something. After that, I forgot all about Magic 8-Balls... until I was about 18, then it was a different kind of Magic 8-Ball -- and it didn't come from Mattel... I think his name was Day-rel.

Fast forward a few more years and I discovered a Magic 8-Ball online -- same concept, just no water or dice. Ask it a question, click on it and it answers it -- same stupid answers as the original plastic 8-Ball.

Fast forward a few more years and I'm inspired to create my own Magic 8-Ball online, only mine is not an 8-Ball at all, but rather a Magic Turd... the All-Knowing, All-Seeing, Mystical Magic Turd!

Ivana Trump in "Kids on a Plane"

New from Rogue Pictures... In a world where average families fly commercial airlines and filthy rich Palm Beach socialites fly outrageously expensive chartered jets, Ivana Trump is faced with the challenge of flying with the po' folk...and their pesky kids! Can she do it? Or will she be forced to unleash a tirade of expletives and be kicked off the plane before it even takes off?

Coach, first class, or no class -- when faced with the challenge, can a billionaire's ex-wife can fly "ghetto" like the rest of us? I smell a new reality show brewing... or maybe that's just my feet.

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Wife Beaters

New from Ike Turner Games... it's Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Wife Beaters!

A new twist on the classic, one-on-one robot fighting game featuring the "Brat Pack Bully" Charlie Sheen and the "Black Bruiser" Chris Brown! "Hits" stores in May.

(I know, I know, Rihanna wasn't exactly Chris Brown's wife... but he still deserves a place in this gag.)